I went camping this weekend. With a whole bunch of wonderful people who were also drinking. A lot. Or not really a lot, in point of fact, but it seemed like it to my jealousy-beast. The rest of me knew that they were fine. Anyway, the point is, I did alright. It was fun & (kind of) relaxing (mostly, sort of – I am clearly conflicted on this point – I am definitely worn the fuck out, completely drained – whatever it was, it still took a lot of some kind of effort). I only had moments where the pain cut deep, and the sense of odd-man-out was palpable, at least to me. The tension of constantly being on guard and watching myself may have part of what was so tiring about it. I am incredibly glad that I went, though. Social skills are… yeah, still not good. But fuck that, most of these people knew where I was at, even if it’s clear that they don’t really get it and can’t and I shouldn’t really expect that of them (Jesus, I shouldn’t wish the process that it would take to make them GET IT on anyone, most especially them); they accept me where I am, even if they wonder why I am so much quieter and stand-offish and awkward than I was before. I hope they can see that I love them, still, and it’s not that I’m being aloof & cold. (Fuck, man, stop that shit! Little spinny-mind, stop getting twisted ’round your own little self!) Good test camping, further experimentation warranted, and there was a lot of beautiful to be open to. Moving on.
Also had a long chat this afternoon with C, a guy from AA. We talked about a lot of things, but it all revolved more or less around AA & alcoholism, which in a way was the best thing, since it’s become such a hugely central part of my self-identification that I can’t share with very many people (honestly, would you want to hang around with a guy that was constantly talking about his addiction & all the black oily shit that goes with it? But, especially at this stage of the game, it’s on my mind every fucking minute of every fucking day – yes, it is that central to my mental existence). This is the first time I’d invited anyone to coffee, and it was good to get to talk. I don’t know for sure if I want to ask this guy to be my full time sponsor, but it looks good. I hadn’t expected to chat for 4 hours with him, that’s certain. Still not the kind of conversation that makes me mentally orgasm or anything, but still, it was a good conversation.